Up and Down the Garden Path: The Secret Diaries of a London Gardener

Welcome to my first weekly extract of my memoir (that needs an agent or be published!). Every week I will put a teaser live of my memoir about my gardening journey.

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Gold Digging

Having tackled quite a few jobs, you soon realise that people may use their gardens for activities which may not be entirely legal and/or hygienic.

My first experience of digging up something unusual was a year later in a bijoux pad owned by a client called Owen in Hammersmith. I was gaining in confidence by then and I was out in the back garden with the client’s dog called Silver following me around the garden. The garden was a very unusual shape with a tall back wall and a large border containing a whole host of different coloured perennials.*

*Perennials are plants that live for more than two years and are key to adding colours and attractive foliage into your garden. Perennials are also available in evergreen and deciduous types.

Dogs are always fascinated by gardeners which I love. However, I do wish they would help with the gardening rather than gaze at you with their puppy dog eyes and have a lie down. I’m sure Monty Don would agree. Gardening is fun but hard work, and it most definitely isn’t sitting at a desk cruising the Internet for interesting news stories or having a nap.

I was innocently planting a new shrub called a Hebe when I came across what I initially thought was a giant bulb. The so-called bulb was covered in soil but seemed to have an unnatural smoothness to it. I tentatively unearthed it and on closer examination realised it was in fact… a giant dildo. It was huge, so huge in fact, I think you might have to frequent ‘specialist shops’ to even buy such an item.

I gazed in amazement at this pink object wondering how on earth it got there and what I should do with it after its discovery. Should I say nothing, bury it back in the ground or tell the client that I had found this object? An array of emotions went through my mind whilst I stood there and examined the scene with wide eyes. The client’s dog must have picked up on my heightened senses, and he suddenly awakened from his nap and was staring at it in wonder as well. Clearly, he thought Christmas had come early and I had found an enormous juicy bone for his enjoyment.

Before I had a chance to decide how to tackle this most unusual situation, Silver had grabbed it firmly in its mouth, galloped up the garden stairs and deposited it proudly at his master’s feet. Owen’s reaction was to turn fuchsia, yelp out loud and pat the dog with glee on his discovery. Not the reaction I was expecting at all. I dread to think what the client was planning to do with it later on.

I busied myself in another part of the garden and hoped there wouldn’t be more treats for me to find.

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